


Never Before Had 'Be Yourself' Sounded So Daunting

by Jade_Dragoness



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Community: hc_bingo, Gen, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Self-Discovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-01
Updated: 2015-06-01
Packaged: 2018-04-02 07:26:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4051459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jade_Dragoness/pseuds/Jade_Dragoness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Asset has never thought that he was anything more than a weapon. Then he discovers the man with his face named James Buchanan Barnes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never Before Had 'Be Yourself' Sounded So Daunting

**Author's Note:**

> Written for HC_Bingo Prompt: secret identity discovered

The Soldier stared at the face of Barnes, studying every detail with fierce concentration. This was his third visit to the museum, to see once again with his eyes that it was his face on the glass display. It was _his_ face smiling and looking... normal. He had to return so often, even knowing the chances of getting caught became riskier with every visit, because when he left... doubt would grow within him. 

Was it really his face? He had he ever smiled or laughed like he had in the video with the failed mission? Had there ever been anything other than the overwhelming need to complete his missions? Or had he simply been created to have the face of James Buchanan Barnes for some reason that had long been burned out of him? 

The Soldier would have believed this explanation if it wasn't for the nausea inducing sense of _knowing_ he felt at the sight of the failed mission's face, of Steve Rogers' face. 

He _knew_ him. The Soldier couldn't say how or even why this certainty lingered, but it reverberated within him like the lingering echo of a gunshot in his ears, only this feeling grew stronger with time instead of fading away. The Soldier knew Rogers.

He didn't know Barnes. 

He had no sense that he had once been that smiling man. 

Yet Rogers had sounded so certain. Had been willing to give his life to the soldier, in a way that no mission ever had. Had been willing to 'with him'. The Soldier ignored the memory of a battered mouth whispering: 'cause I'm with you 'til the end of the line.'

The soldier drifted along the displays. He couldn't linger so long in one spot that he drew unwanted attention so he fell along the edges of a large tour group, letting the bodies hide him from the bored gazes of the guards. 

Barnes had known Rogers. It was time to learn more about Barnes. He needed to find another source of information.

*-*-*-*

The Soldier hadn't been used to gather intelligence in over two decades, as his most recent handlers didn't seem to need those particular set of skills, but they had never been wiped away by them either. 

Four months of slow but steady searching into the history of James Buchanan Barnes had left him with a stack of books on him and the other Howling Commandos (he avoided those with a focus Rogers as his face still made him feel strange) and a paper file with his careful notes on Barnes. 

It was difficult but he had slowly pieced together a report.

And had come to the conclusion that Barnes' life had revolved around Rogers. Even the authors who had tried to put together a biography solely focused on Barnes' life had mentioned Rogers with dizzying frequency. Transcripts of interviews conducted on the Howling Commandos, on Barnes' siblings, all mentioned Rogers often. 'Steve and Bucky' was used so often by those who had known the men that hearing 'Bucky' alone was jarring with its rarity. 

It led the Soldier to think that he had been created to be with Rogers. The cited instance of how often Barnes had come to fight on Rogers behalf led him to think that he was suppose to be _his_ weapon all along. 

The idea had left him shaking on the floor of the motel room for several hours until the trembling had faded from his right hand and he'd been able to breathe without choking. 

He had reacted this way, not solely because he was against the thought, but because there was something deep inside of him (the part that had accepted the mouth guard, that sat in that chair without fighting) which wanted to find Rogers. And have him _give_ him orders.

Then he could just _stop_. Stop running. Stop hiding. Stop having memories claw their way up into his consciousness while he dreamed. Except... the information on Rogers he hadn't been able to avoid led him to conclude that this scenario was unlikely to occur. 

_'You're my friend.'_

It was time to decide who he would be without a commanding officer, without a handler. Without Rogers defining him, even if he had to stay on the other side of the planet away from him.

The Soldier wasn't used to feeling fear, outside the hands of his handlers, but this terrified him. 

But it was time to find out who he was when he just was being a person. 

End


End file.
